Antidepressants Blog

Most people tend to be suspicious of sexual behaviors that are uncommon. While it is true that some paraphilias, such as pedophilia, are harmful, many people also think negatively about harmless paraphilias and other uncommon sex practices. Years ago, for example, Americans generally thought that oral and anal sex were revolting. Since World War II, however, the majority of sexually active Americans have come to enjoy oral sex, and about 30 percent have experimented with anal intercourse. Once considered paraphilias, oral and anal sex are now increasingly common sexual behaviors.

Although uncommon sex practices can alienate others, including potential sex partners, there are opportunities in which they can be enjoyed with partners who are comfortable with them. Instead of “flashing” people on the street, for example, exhibitionists who like to show off their bodies or engage in sex in front of others can join clubs to meet their needs with other people who want to share this practice. There are organizations for foot fetishists, transvestites, mate-swappers, and others. There are also clubs where members can learn safe sadomasochistic role play. Sex clubs and organizations for various uncommon sex practices can be found in magazines or on the Internet.

People who lead perfectly ordinary lives and have successful jobs and family responsibilities may enjoy uncommon sex practices. It is important to be honest about our sexual preferences with our partners in order to achieve sexual satisfaction with their consent and understanding.

Enjoying uncommon sex practices does not make us deviant or dysfunctional. If, however, we can be aroused only by a paraphilia that harms others or involves them without their consent, we must seek professional counseling as soon as possible.

Wherever we are on our sexual journey, we may want to keep in mind that we are all very different. Our journey may not be the same as anyone else’s. We won’t travel at the same speed or arrive at any milestone at the same time or in the same way. Our sexual journey is not a race. There is no need to hurry, and there is no prize for being the first to get there. Accepting that each of us is unique will only make the journey that much more enjoyable and fulfilling.

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Sexual Diversity—Coming Out in Midlife

Just because people get married does not necessarily mean they are straight. Many people discover that they are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender later in their adult lives. Others may also come to realize that their gender identities do not reflect the social norm.

Denying their sexual feelings can lead people to attempt to act and feel straight by dating, marrying, and having children. Sexual experiences during our teen years and early 20s don’t determine our sexual orientation. Reevaluating our sexual orientation or gender identities after a committed relationship with someone of the other gender, marriage, widowhood, or divorce can result in discovering a whole new world of sexuality, including our sexual orientation.

Many people whose sexual identities differ from social norms may be uncomfortable about themselves and their sexuality for many years and may lack the confidence to face their differences and actualize their desires until they develop the maturity that comes with midlife.

Divorce and Widowhood

Not all people who get married establish other committed relationships or live together for the rest of their lives. Some people end their relationships or marriages intentionally. Many do so legally with divorce. Others experience the death of a partner and become widowed. All these situations require a time of adaptation.

People who are divorced, leave relationships, or become widowed are usually accustomed to regular sexual expression. Suddenly, they find themselves without a sex partner. Often, women and men must renavigate their sexual journey.

Thirty-three percent of women and 40 percent of men who become divorced are between the ages of 35 and 54. Divorce and breaking up can be a response to stresses such as people growing differently from one another, midlife career and identity crises, discovery of sexual identity, and extramarital affairs.

Many people accept divorce as a positive alternative to an unhappy marriage. Others find divorce to be devastating to their emotional, social, and financial lives. Becoming the single, primary caretaker of children can be especially overwhelming.

Midlife widowhood is not uncommon. Because women have a longer life expectancy than men, there are generally more widows than widowers. A woman may feel like a fifth wheel when she socializes with couples that she and her partner knew. Finding single people of the same age may be difficult. But today, women and men who become single again in midlife are unwilling to resign themselves to a life without companionship and sexual activity.

Many people who marry again after divorce or widowhood have successful marriages. Their marriages are often based upon mutual interests, goals, and emotional compatibility. Divorced and widowed women and men who have sexual activity without being married again also express great satisfaction.

Dating and marriage after becoming single again in midlife can be difficult. Remember how anxiety-ridden we were about dating during adolescence? Dating in midlife makes a person a second-time beginner. Rules for dating and sexual relationships may have changed since we were teenagers. We may have to relearn them in the process of dating again. This may feel very clumsy at first.

Newly single men usually have less difficulty finding dating opportunities. They may date women their own age or women quite a bit younger. Although the same opportunities should be available to women, our social norms do not generally support dating between older women and younger men.

Our sexual journey does not end with parenthood or midlife. It changes pace and design as we become older adults.

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During childbirth, some women have a procedure called an episiotomy. An episiotomy is an incision through the skin and muscles in the perineum, the area between the vagina and the anus. This incision is made just before delivery and before the baby’s head comes out. It’s done to help prevent the baby from naturally tearing the skin and tissue in areas that would cause more complications.

Not every woman has an episiotomy. Some health care providers do not believe it is necessary, while others say that it helps a woman heal more quickly after labor. How rapidly a woman heals affects how soon she may have sex after childbirth.

In general, health care providers suggest waiting about four to six weeks before resuming sexual intercourse. This allows the body to heal and the uterus and vagina to return to their pre-pregnancy size. There is also a time after childbirth called the postpartum period, a time of both physical and psychological adjustment for a woman and everyone in her family. It is a time of intense emotional highs and lows. A father may soon become jealous of the closeness between a mother and newborn. A new mom might feel that she has to care closely for the baby and doesn’t want to be distracted by others. She may not be interested in sexual activity.

Breast-feeding is another way a mother forms a close bond with an infant. This is a very special relationship. Breast feeding has very practical benefits. It helps weight loss for the new mom and causes the body to release a hormone called oxytocin. Oxytocin causes contractions of the uterus during breast-feeding, which help the uterus return to its normal size. These contractions can be sexually pleasurable. Some women feel guilty over these sexual feelings, but they are perfectly normal and natural.

Sometimes in our sexually intimate relationships, we care for our partners as much as we care about ourselves. This is called mutuality. It means that we are willing to make sacrifices and compromises. Sometimes we may feel as though we are making sacrifices and compromises that are not appreciated by our partners. This can greatly affect the sex play and intimacy in a relationship.

It is always important to open communication about these issues—to discuss what we appreciate as well as what we expect. It helps to carefully evaluate the compromises and sacrifices we make and try to figure out what purpose they serve and what they may mean to the relationship over time.

Intimacy in a relationship can fluctuate. Each one of us has our ups and downs. The nature and quality of the intimacy in our relationships change with each up and each down. It is this emotional intimacy that makes our relationships in adulthood different from the ones we had as adolescents. It also makes possible a mutual sharing of sexual pleasure.

Mutuality is one of the aspects of romantic love. Romantic love is a combination of liking, sexual attraction, and intense emotional interaction between two people. There are two kinds of romantic love. Passionate love is a strong combination of feelings. It can sometimes be confusing because it can include tenderness, sexual desire, elation, pain, anxiety, relief, altruism, and jealousy all at once.

Passionate love often occurs at the beginning of a romantic relationship. As time passes, it usually quiets into companionate love. Companionate love is less emotionally intense than passionate love. It remains sexual but is moderated by friendly affection and a deeply emotional committed attachment.

As individuals, we are capable of feeling all kinds of love toward others. Sometimes love grows out of friendship. Other times love is found with a new person in our lives. Some people even fall in love at first sight!

There may be times when we think we are in love but we are not. We may be infatuated with someone. Infatuation is a strong sexual attraction to someone, based mainly on her or his resemblance to the ideal in our lovemap. Infatuation is common and healthy. It doesn’t take long for us to realize that we are infatuated and not in love. Infatuation often passes when we get to know the person and realize that we were attracted to surface qualities, not the substance of a person. An infatuation so strong that we can’t get it out of our heads is called limerance.

Jealousy is another emotion that is sometimes a part of our romantic relationships. Jealousy occurs when we believe that there is someone else who is receiving our partner’s affection. We all fear the loss of love at some time in our lives. The thought that a loved one might be looking for a new love interest can cause us to feel anxiety and anger. It can lower our self-esteem. Communication and honesty are the best cures for jealousy. We may also find it important to remember that we are all capable of caring for many different people during our lives.

A good, healthy, lasting relationship requires work from both partners. We can’t just sit back and think it will happen of its own accord. Communication and honesty are just two ingredients of healthy relationships, but they can go a long way. On the next page are some helpful hints that can strengthen relationships. They may seem simple, but it is often the easy things that we forget!

We are constantly making decisions when we are in relationships. These decisions include such issues as contraception, commitment, and living arrangements. As adults, we become more responsible for continuing to educate ourselves about our sexuality and sexual health. We can no longer depend on family and friends to do it for us.

We should know what contraceptive methods are best suited for our individual needs. We should know about sexually transmitted infections, including HIV/AIDS, and how to get tested. Young women should receive an annual pelvic exam, and young men should receive an annual physical. We should also try to understand what makes relationships healthy so that we can avoid abusive relationships. We should try to develop the communication and negotiation skills that are vital to maintaining healthy relationships.

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MYTHS ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL AND PREGNANCY

Positively valued stereotypes of femininity

According to the stereotypes of femininity, women are always supposed to be:

emotional

warm

able to devote themselves to others

gentle

helpful

kind

understanding

aware of others’ feelings

Positively valued stereotypes of masculinity

According to stereotypes of masculinity, men are always supposed to be:

able to perform under pressure

independent

dominant

active

competitive

decisive

self-confident

determined

Dangerous myths about birth control and pregnancy

Although nearly 75 percent of all teens have sexual intercourse before they graduate from high school, many believe myths that may lead to unintended pregnancy or sexually transmitted infection. To offset these misconceptions about birth control and pregnancy, young adolescents need to know the following:

• A woman can get pregnant even if:

- she is having vaginal bleeding

- she doesn’t have an orgasm

- she doesn’t have vaginal intercourse often

- she has vaginal intercourse standing up

- she urinates right after having vaginal intercourse

- she douches with Coke®, Sprite®, Fresca®, or anything else

- the man pulls his penis out of her vagina before he ejaculates

- she jumps up and down after vaginal intercourse

- she hasn’t had her first period yet

- she’s under 12 years old

- it’s her first time

• Plastic wrap wrapped around the penis is not an effective contraceptive.

• The Pill does not prevent sexually transmitted infections.

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