Sexual Diversity—Coming Out in Midlife

Just because people get married does not necessarily mean they are straight. Many people discover that they are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender later in their adult lives. Others may also come to realize that their gender identities do not reflect the social norm.

Denying their sexual feelings can lead people to attempt to act and feel straight by dating, marrying, and having children. Sexual experiences during our teen years and early 20s don’t determine our sexual orientation. Reevaluating our sexual orientation or gender identities after a committed relationship with someone of the other gender, marriage, widowhood, or divorce can result in discovering a whole new world of sexuality, including our sexual orientation.

Many people whose sexual identities differ from social norms may be uncomfortable about themselves and their sexuality for many years and may lack the confidence to face their differences and actualize their desires until they develop the maturity that comes with midlife.

Divorce and Widowhood

Not all people who get married establish other committed relationships or live together for the rest of their lives. Some people end their relationships or marriages intentionally. Many do so legally with divorce. Others experience the death of a partner and become widowed. All these situations require a time of adaptation.

People who are divorced, leave relationships, or become widowed are usually accustomed to regular sexual expression. Suddenly, they find themselves without a sex partner. Often, women and men must renavigate their sexual journey.

Thirty-three percent of women and 40 percent of men who become divorced are between the ages of 35 and 54. Divorce and breaking up can be a response to stresses such as people growing differently from one another, midlife career and identity crises, discovery of sexual identity, and extramarital affairs.

Many people accept divorce as a positive alternative to an unhappy marriage. Others find divorce to be devastating to their emotional, social, and financial lives. Becoming the single, primary caretaker of children can be especially overwhelming.

Midlife widowhood is not uncommon. Because women have a longer life expectancy than men, there are generally more widows than widowers. A woman may feel like a fifth wheel when she socializes with couples that she and her partner knew. Finding single people of the same age may be difficult. But today, women and men who become single again in midlife are unwilling to resign themselves to a life without companionship and sexual activity.

Many people who marry again after divorce or widowhood have successful marriages. Their marriages are often based upon mutual interests, goals, and emotional compatibility. Divorced and widowed women and men who have sexual activity without being married again also express great satisfaction.

Dating and marriage after becoming single again in midlife can be difficult. Remember how anxiety-ridden we were about dating during adolescence? Dating in midlife makes a person a second-time beginner. Rules for dating and sexual relationships may have changed since we were teenagers. We may have to relearn them in the process of dating again. This may feel very clumsy at first.

Newly single men usually have less difficulty finding dating opportunities. They may date women their own age or women quite a bit younger. Although the same opportunities should be available to women, our social norms do not generally support dating between older women and younger men.

Our sexual journey does not end with parenthood or midlife. It changes pace and design as we become older adults.

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