Antidepressants Blog

As they are making love, he says to her, in exactly these words:

“Yes, I am a prince and I’m making love to you.” And she says:

“Yes, I am a princess and I’m making love to you.” And he says:

“I must be great if I’m making love to a princess.” And she says:

“I must be great if I’m making love to a prince.”

They should repeat these and similar phrases during the course of the lovemaking. It will serve to emphasize their narcissistic feelings about one another while pointing to the lack of more genuine feelings. Naturally, this part of the game is rather less fun and more confrontational. Couples may well want to resist saying these things, viewing them as spoiling the fun or interfering with the flow of the story. But it is important to work through any resistance and express themselves. They can do so by discussing feelings of resistance as they come up. After the lovemaking they should talk about what other thoughts or feelings or memories they had while playing the game—and particularly while saying their designated lines as they were making love. A number of surprising feelings and memories will emerge that had formerly lain in the unconscious.

The game can also be reversed, with the husband playing Cinderfella, and the wife playing a princess looking for her mate.

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“Where are you taking me?”

“Where I should have taken you long ago!”

“Put me down [let go of my arm] this instant!”

“No.”

“I said put me down.” “No!”

If the husband and wife are playing this game together (cooperatively), they may make up their own lines at this point. If the husband is the activist, he should proceed with caution: If his wife is smiling with surprise or delight at this sudden and somewhat fanciful act of assertion, he should continue. If, however, she is adamant about not wanting to be swept away, he should not press on. Instead, he should try, in as authoritative a manner as possible, to persuade her to go with him. “Why don’t you just do as I say and see what happens? You might just be pleasurably surprised. Come with me. Is our life so great that we couldn’t use a little mystery, a little surprise? Just this once let me take command. I promise you I won’t do anything to hurt you, and you may just find yourself enjoying it.” If all else fails, he should abandon the attempt to be the sole activist, reveal the game to her, and encourage their mutual participation in it from this point on.

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This game should result, for the first time, in honest communication about what is going on between them. It should also lead to a revival of sexual interest and passion.

Variation: A variation of “Psycho Surprise” has the “psycho” spouse slide into bed some night wearing a monster face or witch mask—and nothing else. The “psycho” laughs maniacally and grabs and kisses the spouse (with the mask still in place). When the passive asks, “What are you doing?” the psycho spouse does not reply, but simply continues embracing and kissing the passive (thus giving the passive a dose of his or her own medicine). Again, this may provoke an angry response, discussion, or wild love-making.

Caution: “Psycho Surprise” should not be played by older couples, or by anyone with a history of heart trouble, strokes, or the like. And it should only be used in connection with ongoing couples therapy, under the supervision of a psychotherapist. In some cases, for caution’s sake, the “psycho” spouse may warn the passive spouse that a shower surprise might be in the offing at some point in the future—just to play it safe.

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The wife also removes an article of clothing and says, “Yes, this is really boring, but I’ll go along with it.”

They proceed to remove all their clothing, repeating the same or similar phrases. Then the husband reaches over and caresses the wife’s breasts. “How does that feel?” he asks.

“It doesn’t matter,” she replies. She may even yawn.

“Do you want me to continue?” he asks.

“I don’t care.”

“Do you want me to stop?”

“I don’t care.”

As he continues, she fondles his genitals. “How does that feel?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Do you want me to continue?”

“I don’t care.”

“Do you want me to stop?”

“I don’t care.”

They continue the foreplay, trying new things. As they give vent to their feelings of boredom while engaging in this kind of sex play, they will begin to feel less and less bored. Then, in the second phase of the game, as their passion begins to rekindle, they should follow each statement of boredom with the very next thought that enters their mind.

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How important is human physical contact? It is so important that at critical periods people will die without it. Rene Spitz conducted a study of ninety-one infants in a foundling home who had been separated from their mothers. These infants were fed by a succession of nurses and given only perfunctory physical contact. Thirty-four of them died by the second year, while others went on to develop numerous symptoms. All of the infants showed manifestations of severe separation anxiety; then angry crying and clinging (trying to control or destroy the frustrating environment); then anaclitic depression (aggression turned against the self); then motor retardation; then marasmus (withdrawal into apathy); and finally—all too often—death. Others have replicated this study.

Similar drastic responses to the frustration of Eros can be observed in adults, as when a husband or wife suddenly dies and the spouse dies a short time later, without there having been any normal precipitating illness; or as when a scorned lover goes on a destructive spree of gambling, drug abuse, or promiscuous sex or kills his mate or himself.

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If you’ve asked a certain person out a number of times and that person keeps saying no, then perhaps you just have to face the fact that this person doesn’t want to go out with you. It can be difficult to know exactly how many times you should ask before giving up altogether. In part it will depend on what the person says when turning you down. If the person tells you that he or she is already dating someone else or simply isn’t interested in you, then that’s a pretty clear sign that you should stop asking. But if the person says ‘I’m sorry, but I’m busy’ or doesn’t give a clear reason for saying no, you might want to try again. Perhaps the person really is busy, but would like to go out with you another time. But if you’ve tried a few times and have had this kind of reply, you might want to say something like ‘Is there a time when we could get together?’ The answer to this question will usually give a clear idea of whether it’s worth continuing to ask this person out.

If you’ve asked a number of different people out and all of them have said no, you may start to feel discouraged. You may even start to feel that there’s something so wrong or so horrible about you that no one will ever say yes. But before you allow yourself to feel down and discouraged, you might think for a moment about just who it is you’re asking out. Maybe you’re asking the wrong people. Are you asking only the best-looking or most popular people? If so, this may be part of your problem. For one thing, the best-looking and most popular people may already have lots of people asking them out, so your chances aren’t as good as they would be if you asked someone less popular or not totally gorgeous. The fact that someone is popular or good-looking doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to have a great time with that person. What’s more important is whether the person is nice, whether the two of you could be comfortable with each other, whether you could have fun together. The person’s inner qualities are more important than being popular or good-looking.

You might also ask yourself how well you know the people you’re asking out. If you’re asking people you hardly know, this may be a big part of the reason you keep getting turned down. If you take the time to get to know someone and to let them get to know you first, you’ll have a better chance of having the person say yes when you ask for a date.

It might also be helpful for you to have a mutual friend check things out before you ask for a date. Your friend can give you an idea of how the person might respond. If the person isn’t interested, you’ll save yourself the discouragement of being turned down again. In addition, you might ask some of your friends who they think you should ask for a date. People love to play matchmaker and your friends may come up with someone you wouldn’t have thought of by yourself. They may even know someone who’s been dying to go out with you! So don’t hesitate to enlist your friends’ help.

Above all, don’t give up. Somewhere out there is someone who’d just love to go out with you. We guarantee it!

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