Antidepressants Blog

This question came out of our Everything You Ever Wanted To Know question box. Questions like this often come up in our classes because, as we go through puberty, many of us experience stronger romantic and/or sexual feelings than ever before in our lives. For some of us this means spending time imagining a passionate romance with a special someone or having sexual fantasies. For some it means having the urge to masturbate more often. For some it means getting interested in the opposite sex, having crushes, or going out with boy-friends or

girl-friends.

These romantic and sexual feelings can be very intense and distracting. It may even seem as if romance and sex are all you can think about. Some young people get so preoccupied that it’s a bit frightening for them. If, like the girl who asked the above question, you’ve been worried about your strong romantic or sexual feelings, it helps to know that these feelings are perfectly normal and natural and that a lot of people your age are going through the same thing.

In addition to questions like the one above, we also get questions like this one:

My friends are always talking about girls and sex and everything. But I’m just not interested in girls in a romantic way yet. Do you think there’s something wrong with me?

When boys and girls ask questions like this, we explain that although puberty is a time of strong sexual or romantic feelings for many young people, not everyone experiences these feelings. Some boys and girls are more involved in sports, school, music, a job or some other aspect of their lives, and romance and sex just aren’t major interests for them. Just as we all have our own personal timetables of development for the body changes of puberty, so we all have our own personal timetables when it comes to romance and sexual interests. Some boys and girls begin to experience strong romantic or sexual feelings while they’re still young. Others don’t have these feelings until they’re older. If you’re worried that there’s something wrong with you because your friends all seem to be having strong romantic or sexual attractions and you’re not interested yet, you can stop worrying. There’s nothing wrong with you. Your personal timetable is just different from theirs. So, you can relax, knowing that sooner or later, these things will start happening to you.

The boys and girls in our classes are curious about anything and everything having to do with sexuality, and they’re especially curious about the kinds of romantic and sexual feelings that young people have when they’re growing up. Therefore, they ask questions like the ones we’ve just mentioned and also questions about things like sex play, crushes, falling in love, kissing, necking, petting and having intercourse (to mention just a few). You may be curious about these things too, so in this chapter we’re going to talk about them. We can’t promise that we’ll answer all your questions in just this one chapter. But we would like to say a bit about these issues and we hope we’ll answer at least some of your questions.

Some of the sections in this chapter deal with topics that come up mostly in our classes for younger boys and girls. Other sections deal with topics that usually come up only in our classes for older boys and girls. So, depending on your age, you may find that you’re more interested in certain sections than in others. For instance, if you’ve just started to go through puberty, you may not be particularly interested in the section that deals with making decisions about how to handle your romantic and sexual feelings. This issue may simply not be very important in your life yet. If you aren’t particularly interested in some sections, you may want to skip them for the present. Of course, it’s perfectly all right for you to read these sections – it never hurts to think about these issues ahead of time. Whether or not you read these sections now, we hope you will come back to them later, when you’re older and these things are issues in your life.

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As a general rule, you can’t get STDs from kissing; however, herpes and syphilis can cause sores on the genitals. If you had oral-genital sex with someone who had a herpes or syphilis sore on the genitals, then you could get a sore on your lips. Or if you kissed a person who had such a sore on his or her lips, you could get the infection. You can’t get AIDS from ‘dry’ kissing, and ‘wet’, or French, kissing is probably safe too. Although small amounts of HIV may be present in saliva, experts doubt that such small amounts could cause infection. But it’s best to be careful who you French kiss.

Can you get an STD from a toilet seat, a drinking glass, a flannel, a towel or some other object?

Again, generally speaking, the answer to this question is no, because the germs that cause most STDs usually die almost instantly when they leave the mucous membranes of the human body and come in contact with the air.

However, there have been some cases of people developing certain STDs from objects. For example, if you used an object, such as a drinking glass, a flannel or towel soon after it had come in contact with a mouth sore of a person who had syphilis or herpes, you could pick up the disease. Or, if you used a flannel or towel soon after it was used by someone who had pubic lice or an STD discharge from their penis or vagina, you might pick up the infection. Or if you somehow managed to put the mucous membrane of your sex organs in contact with a toilet seat that had just been used by a person with an STD discharge or sore and that person’s sore or discharge had come in contact with the toilet seat, it is conceivable that you could get an STD in this way. But such a series of events is highly unlikely. So, practically speaking, it is highly unlikely for a person to get an STD from a toilet seat.

We should also mention that you can’t get an STD from a swimming pool, by sitting on someone’s lap with your clothes on, from the air, from masturbating yourself or in any ways other than the ones we’ve mentioned so far.

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Different people would answer this question somewhat differently. For instance, some people feel that abortion is morally wrong, that it is the same as murder, and that it should be outlawed. They feel that a pregnant woman should have her baby and either keep the child or put it up for adoption. Since these people feel that abortion is morally wrong, they would, of course, feel that using it as a regular method of contraception (or, indeed, ever) is not OK.

Other people don’t feel that abortion is morally wrong nor that it is equivalent to murder. These people feel that abortion is a private matter between a woman and her doctor, that a woman should have the right to decide what goes on inside her body and that she should be able to decide whether or not she wants to have a baby. But even people who feel abortion is morally acceptable often feel that it’s not right or ethical for a person to rely on abortion as a regular method of birth control. They feel that abortion should be used only as a ‘back-up’ measure when the regular method has failed to prevent pregnancy and the woman doesn’t want to continue the pregnancy.

Aside from the moral and ethical reasons, there are also good medical reasons why people shouldn’t forego using other methods and have abortions whenever they become pregnant. If a woman didn’t use contraception, she’d probably find herself getting pregnant at least once a year, if not more often. Having one or two abortions in a lifetime doesn’t do any damage to a woman’s body or affect her future chances of having a normal pregnancy, but there is some evidence that having more than two abortions, say three or even four, might make it more difficult for a woman to get pregnant or more likely for her to have a miscarriage or a premature birth in the future. Doctors aren’t yet sure whether or not three or four abortions will have bad effects. But, almost all doctors agree that having more frequent abortions isn’t a good idea.

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The IUD is also called the coil or loop. It is a plastic and copper device between 20 and 40 mm (about 1—1? in) long that is inserted into a woman’s uterus by a doctor. When in place, it can’t be felt. It protects against pregnancy as long as it remains in the uterus. Depending on the type used, the IUD may be left in place for three to five years. A woman can’t remove an IUD herself, her doctor must both insert and remove it. Although no one is entirely certain how it works, it is thought that the copper on the IUD inhibits sperm movement, preventing them from reaching the ovum, and that the presence of an IUD makes it impossible for a fertilized ovum to plant itself in the uterus.

Natural Family Planning (NFP)-NFP is also called fertility awareness. It involves a woman learning to tell when during each menstrual cycle she is most likely to be fertile (that is, capable of becoming pregnant) and refraining from sexual intercourse at that time. People who use NFP have three techniques for determining when the woman is fertile:

1. daily observations of the mucus secreted by her cervix (certain changes in the mucus indicate fertile times) this is called the cervical mucus (Billings) method;

2. charts of her daily body temperature (slight changes in body temperature indicate when the fertile time is past);

3. keeping track of the days of the cycle on a calendar to predict fertile times.

Using techniques 1 and 2 together is called the sympto-thermal method and is the most effective means of NFP. Using only the calendar technique is called the rhythm method. The rhythm method alone is not a very effective method of preventing pregnancy and therefore is not recommended. NFP should be taught by a qualified NFP teacher; it cannot be learned from a leaflet or book.

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Most people tend to be suspicious of sexual behaviors that are uncommon. While it is true that some paraphilias, such as pedophilia, are harmful, many people also think negatively about harmless paraphilias and other uncommon sex practices. Years ago, for example, Americans generally thought that oral and anal sex were revolting. Since World War II, however, the majority of sexually active Americans have come to enjoy oral sex, and about 30 percent have experimented with anal intercourse. Once considered paraphilias, oral and anal sex are now increasingly common sexual behaviors.

Although uncommon sex practices can alienate others, including potential sex partners, there are opportunities in which they can be enjoyed with partners who are comfortable with them. Instead of “flashing” people on the street, for example, exhibitionists who like to show off their bodies or engage in sex in front of others can join clubs to meet their needs with other people who want to share this practice. There are organizations for foot fetishists, transvestites, mate-swappers, and others. There are also clubs where members can learn safe sadomasochistic role play. Sex clubs and organizations for various uncommon sex practices can be found in magazines or on the Internet.

People who lead perfectly ordinary lives and have successful jobs and family responsibilities may enjoy uncommon sex practices. It is important to be honest about our sexual preferences with our partners in order to achieve sexual satisfaction with their consent and understanding.

Enjoying uncommon sex practices does not make us deviant or dysfunctional. If, however, we can be aroused only by a paraphilia that harms others or involves them without their consent, we must seek professional counseling as soon as possible.

Wherever we are on our sexual journey, we may want to keep in mind that we are all very different. Our journey may not be the same as anyone else’s. We won’t travel at the same speed or arrive at any milestone at the same time or in the same way. Our sexual journey is not a race. There is no need to hurry, and there is no prize for being the first to get there. Accepting that each of us is unique will only make the journey that much more enjoyable and fulfilling.

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Sexual Diversity—Coming Out in Midlife

Just because people get married does not necessarily mean they are straight. Many people discover that they are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender later in their adult lives. Others may also come to realize that their gender identities do not reflect the social norm.

Denying their sexual feelings can lead people to attempt to act and feel straight by dating, marrying, and having children. Sexual experiences during our teen years and early 20s don’t determine our sexual orientation. Reevaluating our sexual orientation or gender identities after a committed relationship with someone of the other gender, marriage, widowhood, or divorce can result in discovering a whole new world of sexuality, including our sexual orientation.

Many people whose sexual identities differ from social norms may be uncomfortable about themselves and their sexuality for many years and may lack the confidence to face their differences and actualize their desires until they develop the maturity that comes with midlife.

Divorce and Widowhood

Not all people who get married establish other committed relationships or live together for the rest of their lives. Some people end their relationships or marriages intentionally. Many do so legally with divorce. Others experience the death of a partner and become widowed. All these situations require a time of adaptation.

People who are divorced, leave relationships, or become widowed are usually accustomed to regular sexual expression. Suddenly, they find themselves without a sex partner. Often, women and men must renavigate their sexual journey.

Thirty-three percent of women and 40 percent of men who become divorced are between the ages of 35 and 54. Divorce and breaking up can be a response to stresses such as people growing differently from one another, midlife career and identity crises, discovery of sexual identity, and extramarital affairs.

Many people accept divorce as a positive alternative to an unhappy marriage. Others find divorce to be devastating to their emotional, social, and financial lives. Becoming the single, primary caretaker of children can be especially overwhelming.

Midlife widowhood is not uncommon. Because women have a longer life expectancy than men, there are generally more widows than widowers. A woman may feel like a fifth wheel when she socializes with couples that she and her partner knew. Finding single people of the same age may be difficult. But today, women and men who become single again in midlife are unwilling to resign themselves to a life without companionship and sexual activity.

Many people who marry again after divorce or widowhood have successful marriages. Their marriages are often based upon mutual interests, goals, and emotional compatibility. Divorced and widowed women and men who have sexual activity without being married again also express great satisfaction.

Dating and marriage after becoming single again in midlife can be difficult. Remember how anxiety-ridden we were about dating during adolescence? Dating in midlife makes a person a second-time beginner. Rules for dating and sexual relationships may have changed since we were teenagers. We may have to relearn them in the process of dating again. This may feel very clumsy at first.

Newly single men usually have less difficulty finding dating opportunities. They may date women their own age or women quite a bit younger. Although the same opportunities should be available to women, our social norms do not generally support dating between older women and younger men.

Our sexual journey does not end with parenthood or midlife. It changes pace and design as we become older adults.

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During childbirth, some women have a procedure called an episiotomy. An episiotomy is an incision through the skin and muscles in the perineum, the area between the vagina and the anus. This incision is made just before delivery and before the baby’s head comes out. It’s done to help prevent the baby from naturally tearing the skin and tissue in areas that would cause more complications.

Not every woman has an episiotomy. Some health care providers do not believe it is necessary, while others say that it helps a woman heal more quickly after labor. How rapidly a woman heals affects how soon she may have sex after childbirth.

In general, health care providers suggest waiting about four to six weeks before resuming sexual intercourse. This allows the body to heal and the uterus and vagina to return to their pre-pregnancy size. There is also a time after childbirth called the postpartum period, a time of both physical and psychological adjustment for a woman and everyone in her family. It is a time of intense emotional highs and lows. A father may soon become jealous of the closeness between a mother and newborn. A new mom might feel that she has to care closely for the baby and doesn’t want to be distracted by others. She may not be interested in sexual activity.

Breast-feeding is another way a mother forms a close bond with an infant. This is a very special relationship. Breast feeding has very practical benefits. It helps weight loss for the new mom and causes the body to release a hormone called oxytocin. Oxytocin causes contractions of the uterus during breast-feeding, which help the uterus return to its normal size. These contractions can be sexually pleasurable. Some women feel guilty over these sexual feelings, but they are perfectly normal and natural.

Sometimes in our sexually intimate relationships, we care for our partners as much as we care about ourselves. This is called mutuality. It means that we are willing to make sacrifices and compromises. Sometimes we may feel as though we are making sacrifices and compromises that are not appreciated by our partners. This can greatly affect the sex play and intimacy in a relationship.

It is always important to open communication about these issues—to discuss what we appreciate as well as what we expect. It helps to carefully evaluate the compromises and sacrifices we make and try to figure out what purpose they serve and what they may mean to the relationship over time.

Intimacy in a relationship can fluctuate. Each one of us has our ups and downs. The nature and quality of the intimacy in our relationships change with each up and each down. It is this emotional intimacy that makes our relationships in adulthood different from the ones we had as adolescents. It also makes possible a mutual sharing of sexual pleasure.

Mutuality is one of the aspects of romantic love. Romantic love is a combination of liking, sexual attraction, and intense emotional interaction between two people. There are two kinds of romantic love. Passionate love is a strong combination of feelings. It can sometimes be confusing because it can include tenderness, sexual desire, elation, pain, anxiety, relief, altruism, and jealousy all at once.

Passionate love often occurs at the beginning of a romantic relationship. As time passes, it usually quiets into companionate love. Companionate love is less emotionally intense than passionate love. It remains sexual but is moderated by friendly affection and a deeply emotional committed attachment.

As individuals, we are capable of feeling all kinds of love toward others. Sometimes love grows out of friendship. Other times love is found with a new person in our lives. Some people even fall in love at first sight!

There may be times when we think we are in love but we are not. We may be infatuated with someone. Infatuation is a strong sexual attraction to someone, based mainly on her or his resemblance to the ideal in our lovemap. Infatuation is common and healthy. It doesn’t take long for us to realize that we are infatuated and not in love. Infatuation often passes when we get to know the person and realize that we were attracted to surface qualities, not the substance of a person. An infatuation so strong that we can’t get it out of our heads is called limerance.

Jealousy is another emotion that is sometimes a part of our romantic relationships. Jealousy occurs when we believe that there is someone else who is receiving our partner’s affection. We all fear the loss of love at some time in our lives. The thought that a loved one might be looking for a new love interest can cause us to feel anxiety and anger. It can lower our self-esteem. Communication and honesty are the best cures for jealousy. We may also find it important to remember that we are all capable of caring for many different people during our lives.

A good, healthy, lasting relationship requires work from both partners. We can’t just sit back and think it will happen of its own accord. Communication and honesty are just two ingredients of healthy relationships, but they can go a long way. On the next page are some helpful hints that can strengthen relationships. They may seem simple, but it is often the easy things that we forget!

We are constantly making decisions when we are in relationships. These decisions include such issues as contraception, commitment, and living arrangements. As adults, we become more responsible for continuing to educate ourselves about our sexuality and sexual health. We can no longer depend on family and friends to do it for us.

We should know what contraceptive methods are best suited for our individual needs. We should know about sexually transmitted infections, including HIV/AIDS, and how to get tested. Young women should receive an annual pelvic exam, and young men should receive an annual physical. We should also try to understand what makes relationships healthy so that we can avoid abusive relationships. We should try to develop the communication and negotiation skills that are vital to maintaining healthy relationships.

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